theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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