apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
me + whiskey = a bad person
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
