u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
