paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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