we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
