Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Found your dick twin last night
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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