He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I will be naked everywhere
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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