you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
