im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
