he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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