Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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