Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I love having hate sex.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
