i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
