We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
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Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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