my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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