there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize