Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
