I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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