You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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