I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
