If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
