You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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