Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
