Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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