I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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