All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Michael Bay diarrhea
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
