Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
