Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I need water and some morals
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
