Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
