not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
