hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Too much gin, very little bucket
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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