What did we do last night that was yellow?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
