Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
time to smoke my breakfast
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
