the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
