I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
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Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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