Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I think i got beer on your cat.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
