drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
