I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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