I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
