I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
