I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize
