apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
