gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
