She is in my trunk
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
