apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
