I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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