Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
