thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I smell like Dick and happiness
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
