stop calling my apartment porn island.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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