Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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