census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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