i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Panties = found
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
