His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
