You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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