Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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