I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
