Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
